


If I Loved You Then I Can Love You Now

by shotos_soba (orphan_account)



Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Tom Holland Spiderman Homecoming, tom holland - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Plot Twist, Sorry for the bad writing!, pure fluff, sad at times but it gets better, what the he’ll am I doing with my life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:21:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24226522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/shotos_soba
Summary: Tom Holland was a huge part of you life to begin with. That was until the fame got to his head and he left you in the dust. To him you were just that girl from back home he could walk all over. Or that’s what you thought he saw you as anyway. But what will you do when he has the balls to show up on your doorstep, broken hearted and a total mess just begging for you to forgive him?
Relationships: Tom Holland/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work is also posted on my Wattpad as well as my other Tom Holland fanfics. If you want to check them out too. My @ is in my bio.

~If I Loved You Then, I Can Love You Now~  
Playlist:  
Don't watch me cry - Jorja Smith  
Lost without you - Freya Ridings  
Bored - Billie Eilish  
Complicated - Olivia O'Brien  
The night we met - Lord Huron  
Thinkin bout you - Frank Ocean

Tom and you have known each other since your first day of school when you were alone at lunch and he sat next to you, from that moment on you knew he would play an important role in your life and you were even more intrigued by him.  
You never really realised you had feelings for him until you were sitting on your windowsill in your room and his car caught your eyes. His red convertible was always the highlight of the summers you two shared. He would always let it down so that you could listen to upbeat songs and wave your hands around as the two of you pretended you were in a music video of sorts.

What struck you the most was the fact that he wasn't alone he had a girl with him. He kissed her cheek. They smiled at each other. He got out the car and helped her out. He walked inside his family home with his arm wrapped securely around her petite waist, a waist that yours was never anywhere near the size of (or ever could be for that matter), and then you did what most girls would do when they were upset; 

You cried. 

And cried. 

And cried. 

Waves of emotions started to eat you up alive and you thought you would've drowned in your own tears. You had no idea why you were crying until it hit you like a truck. You were in love with the boy across the street. I know. So cliché, but you were a teenager, what did you expect.

Eventually life moved on and so did you. You dated boys that weren't Tom. Made friends with boys that weren't Tom. Had dates with boys that weren't Tom. Heck you even had your first kiss with a boy that wasn't Tom but you never went further than steamy make out sessions.

You were a friend and you had learnt that the day of the hot girl in the car. It hurt like hell don't get me wrong, but you learned to accept it even if you cried yourself to sleep for a month over it.

Tom started to get in to acting more and eventually landed a role as Spider-Man in Sony and Marvels' new film. He was exhilarated, and you were too it was his dream ever since childhood. Him, Harrison and you all went out that night with Tom's brothers Harry and Sam to celebrate at the local pub, then woke up with your heads pounding a million beats per second the next morning. Still worth it though! Totally. Was. Not. Everyone was in a shitty mood the next day and that seemed to piss everyone else off even more.

Eventually you went to uni and got a journalism degree and a major in English literature, all while Tom was acting and doing press tours in America. It seemed to put a huge gash through your friendship as he started to miss your weekly Skype calls and text message conversations that you always loved to have. He forgot about you, or thats what you thought happened, but you never forgot about him. No you could never. The Polaroid's in your room made sure of that as they haunted you every day of the times that you could've expressed your attraction towards him.

He eventually got to know one of his co-stars Zendaya Coleman and became close with her. Then when the rumours that that were dating started they confirmed that they were in fact a thing and had been for a while and they loved each other deeply. This of course broke you even more and sent you in to a spiral of sadness, loss and grief, but mainly grief, the fact you had lost your childhood best friend and crush to someone he had known for a couple of months while filming, that was enough for you to get emotionally smashed to smithereens. You knew it wasn't going to last. Celebrity relationships never do. They have a funny tendency to die off after a while when the press tours and the various scene shoots are over. Never the less you were happy for him and made sure to let him know by sending him a dm saying how you were grateful it had happened already. He never responded though...that was becoming less of a shock with each text conversation (let's just say all the bubbles were on the right hand side only).  
So you honestly weren't surprised when he knocked on your apartment door, tears staining his paper white pale cheeks. Eyes puffy and bloodshot. The mix of colours made you sick and your stomach do flips You wanted so badly to hug him and never let go, to latch your lips on to his (at the time) swollen delicate ones, but he looked like the last thing he needed was for you to confess your undying love for him in that moment.

"Hey." He choked up, trying to keep down the stream of sobs that were fighting to be heard.  
"Hi." You said back, face cold and stern, not wanting to show any emotion at all. You wanted to scream at him for not talking to you for years and then turning up on your doorstep unannounced, coughing and spluttering up sobs and pools of tears.  
"Um, is... is it okay if I come in...?"he uttered quietly.  
"Oh... um yeah sure, come in, make yourself at home." You replied, an undertone of sympathy laced in your voice. "Can I get you a drink at all; some water, tea, coffee?"  
"Um... a cup of tea would be great." You made yourself busy with his request while he took a seat quietly on a small bar stool at the shiny kitchen island, patiently waiting for the tea to me made.

He looked down at his shoes. The worn out trainers were soaked through from the puddles that the rain had formed earlier this morning. The kettle was flicked on and you dropped the bags in to the two mugs.  
"Two sugars right... and a splash of milk?" You asked, making sure that his tea preference we the same as it was years ago when you were...closer to say the least.  
"Um no sugar, Z-" he stopped halfway through sentence as if he was ashamed of himself for almost uttering that seven letter name. "You know what, yeah. Two sugars and a splash of milk." He sniffed and wiped his nose on his drenched sweater sleeve.  
"Okay, you got it sir." You piped up and flashing him a quick smile, trying to make the conversation a little bit less gloomy and depressing.

You placed the mug down in front of him leaning against the counter opposite him. Leaving the space between you so as to not make it awkward. Well, any more awkward than it was.  
You waited for a few moments as you watched him stare blankly at his tea. "So...do you want to talk about it?" you started off, leaning into your wrists hunching over the island. Discarding the idea that he needed more space. He came here for a reason and it wasn't for you to be distant with him. He needed a friend and a friend you shall be, but that idea soon was thrown in the trash as well, as the nice part of you burned away like your heart when he left you and your true self was revealed. "Or are we going to sit here in silence until you feel like telling me something about what happened in the past few years you've avoided me?!" You exclaimed.

You were beyond it now, he had disappeared and didn't contact you for a whole three years. Then he turns up on your doorstep with a broken heart, expecting you to find the glue and piece it back together.  
"Look... I know it was shitty of me to do that...but I-. I just wish you could put that aside and help me."

"Tom, you LEFT me here in England and went off, galavanting around America filming and doing press tours. You PROMISED to stay in touch and to not let the fame get to your head. I was stuck here. ALONE. With a broken heart and no one to help me. Now you suddenly show up, COMPLETELY OUT OF THE BLUE, on my doorstep and expect ME to help YOU get over something you KNEW wouldn't last. I'm sorry but you have only YOUR BLOODY SLEF to blame for this." You almost screamed at him. You were pouring out all of the emotions you had bottled up inside for the past three and a bit years. Your eyes stung from the oceans of tears threatening to spill down your tired and pale face. Even though he left you, and you were angry with him to the max, you couldn't deny that he still looked perfect. It made you more and more hurt. He was the reason you couldn't sleep at night. The reason you felt like you couldn't trust people to not be with you and then leave you with the snap of their fingers. He was the reason you never fell in love again properly.

"Look I know but I need your help. Please I'm begging you (y,n)" tears were streaming down both of your faces and you looked a mess, Tom still thought you looked stunning though.  
"I think you should leave." You explained blankly.  
"But-" he started but you had already cut I'm off.  
"Just fucking leave!" You raised your voice slightly, pointing at the door behind him, letting him know that you weren't fucking around and he wasn't wanted in your home.  
"I'm sorry." He said timidly, his head dipping as to avert his chocolate brown orbs from your (e,c) ones.

Without another word he got up of the stall, discarding of the tea that was once warm in his hands but now cold from not being touched. A bit like your heart.  
He took one last look around taking in how much the apartment had changed since he lived there, you had repainted the walls a plain white and all the pictures of him were no where in sight.

And then, he did what you supposedly said you wanted but deep down you knew it wasn't right, he walked out the door.

You were left standing there, tears stinging the lids of your eyes that were being weighed down by sleepless nights and a constant feeling of melancholy sadness. Everything a blur from the clear salty water that seemed to never stop spilling down your face in steady flows. He was gone. And this time it wasn't his fault. It was yours. But you were never going to admit it to him. No that would make you the weaker one.  
You left it. He was better without you. Or was he?


	2. Chapter 2

~if loved you then, I can love you now. Or are you too stubborn or let it be shown you feel the same?~

You woke up the next morning to the light bleeding out of your blind and the whining of your phone alarm having a little spasm on your cream bedside table. Groaning, you peeled of the comforter, wincing as the cold attacked your legs like a wild dog. But instead of leaving blood and wounds it left a littering of goosebumps on your unshaven limbs.  
Begrudgingly, you made your way to the bathroom and pulled on the chord that would illuminate the cold tiled room. As you turned on the shower you stripped of your clothes you felt the warm steam incase you in a feeling of comfort and the beads of water ran down your aching back and soothed the muscles.  
You then reached out for the shelf that contained the assortment of soaps that you used on a daily basis. Your eyes were crumpled closed as you batted your arm in the direction of the shelf when you felt sudden harsh contact with the metal bars and plastic bottles.  
"Shit" you muttered under your breath as the bottles made a loud bash from the contact with the slippery floor. Eventually your hand grasped the familiar curve of the shampoo bottle. Squeezing a blob in to your hand, you started the labouring task of washing your hair.  
Once you had finished having your shower and brushing your teeth you rummaged though your closet and found a black jumper that had red roses embroidered on the sleeves that came down to just past your thumb. You topped it off with a pair of your favourite mom jeans and your black Dr. Martens. You had fallen in love with them as soon as you got your first pair for your Christmas present at thirteen. You had grown out of them since. So when your parents got you a pair for your birthday this year you were over the moon with joy.  
When dressed you made your way to the kitchen to make a mug of your go to morning beverage, coffee. However much to your dismay you couldn't find a single grain, pod or bag. You scavenged in every single cupboard in your kitchen, scaled the shelves in your lounge. You even went as far as checking in your room for any pods that you may have accidentally left in there but you had no luck. It seemed as if the universe was deciding to make you life living hell for today. You groaned at your unfortunate situation, with having nothing to fuel your day and craving for more energy.

'How bad could it be really?' You thought to yourself quietly, 'it's not that far to the nearest coffee shop'  
With the idea of coffee at the reach of you fingertips you quickly got your things together such as; your phone, earbuds, purse and bag, then set off down the next few blocks on the hunt for your much needed burst of caffeine in a cup.

***

The nearest coffee shop turned out to be a Starbucks about two blocks down from yours, conveniently placed near to Tom and Harrison's apartment. You didn't care though. You were so desperate for caffeine that you thought you would pass out from exhaustion.  
Barging through the door you were met with the warm and inviting smell of sweat, baked goods and hot drinks personalised for the autumnal season. You walked up to the counter ordering you usual cold weather Starbucks drink: a gingerbread latte with cream on top. The kind barista named jack smiled to you as he gave you your change and told you to wait for a moment at the end where your drink would be delivered.

Scrolling through your phone was the only thing that you could do while you waited. You opened up your snapchat and sent streaks to all of your friends, minus Tom because he obviously didn't deserve any sort of communication from you at all. You were just about to open up one of the streaks you got back from your friend when you heard the words;  
"Gingerbread latte for (Y,n)" grace your ears. You snatched up the drink and shot the godsend that presented you with coffee a quick smile and made your departure ASAP as you had to finish off an article for buzzfeed about the Autumn and your favourite parts about the sweater season.

You were just about to close the door behind you when the familiar voice of the blonde boy who was your best friend for ages until he too drifted away due to fame.  
"(Y,n), (Y,n) wait up!" You turned round to meet the crystal blue eyes for the first time in a while. A displeased look on your face as you gave him a death glare. "Wow! Someone needs coffee today." He said jokingly mixed in with a chuckle.

"Whatever it is you need to say Haz please get it over with so that I can go home and enjoy my coffee in peace without you or your annoying friend pestering me and asking for their forgiveness." He obviously had no idea about what you were talking about due to his furrowed eyebrows and slight frown sewn in to his facial features.  
"Oh shit! Did he go over to your's qyesterday?" He obviously seemed worried and saw that you didn't want to hang around.  
"Yes, as a matter of fact he did, not to mention he had the audacity to help him with his fucking broken heart after he knew that it would be broken if he started to date Zendaya. Well he can go and deep throat a cactus for all I care because I don't want anything to do with him!" You exclaimed, not wanting to hang around anymore

You walked passed the shocked blonde and continued home, not wanting to make any more small talk about the situation at hand. When you finally got back to your appartement it had started to rain and the slight pitter patter of the water droplets on the fire escape reminded you of the padding feet of the blue Staffordshire terrier that would greet you at the door with her slight sneezes of excitement and jumping around at your feet, so much so that you would almost trip over her. You reminisced about the good ol' days that you would trade for anything to get back. Yet you seemed to not want to put in the risk of hurting again to get it all back again.

As you say down at your computer, the glossy and blank screen staring straight at you, tapping the space bar to wake the machine up, your phone made a light ding to let you know that someone had texted you. With an exasperated sigh you picked up your phone. A singular notification was covering a couple faces that belonged to your friends from uni.  
A single three letter name was displayed on the slightly cracked screen from where you had accidentally dropped it down the stairs in your local shopping mall, the message was from none other than...


	3. Chapter 3

~If I Loved You Then, I Can Love You Now. Or are you just to stubborn to let it be shown you feel the same? I just want to hold you and I wish you knew that. I have memorised the curve of your face and the way you smell. It's the smell of coffee and comfort. A smell I wish I could wake up to in the morning again. You're no longer there waiting for me to wake up, or to hold me in a raging thunderstorm in the night. And although you are only a few buildings away from me, you feel a thousand miles away instead and it makes me feel empty inside.~

The message was from none other than Haz. To your utter dismay the blonde, blue eyed boy had invited you to a party that he was holding that night and your stomach dropped at the realisation that not only would you not be able to drink as the driving home would be a problem, but that Tom would be there.  
With the wounds still fresh in your mind from the encounters you had the other day, begrudgingly, you replied with a simple 'sorry cant :/' and closed your phone to finish off the article in front of you that had a strict deadline attached to it, looming over you. 

A few minutes later your phone made the same ping it did moments prior. Haz had texted you again with a 'there is free alcohol (y,n),you can't pass that up' you could practically hear his smirk in the cocky sentence of his.  
'Fine. I'll need a lift so I hope your not drinking, if you are then find someone who is or you can forget it. ;)))' you waited impatiently for him to reply to your just as bold text. When your phone made the sound yet again you jumped as the smile returned to your face at the thought of the blonde sitting on his sofa and texting you to coax you to go to a party.  
'Already on It, Jacob isn't drinking so he'll drive you home after if you like? :)' you let out a sigh as you contemplated why your thoughts were set on this stupid party, but you needed a distraction from the boy that broke you so much. And to you drowning your sorrows in cheap beer and spirits seemed like a good way of doing it.

After your article was finished you decided to look for an appropriate outfit for the party. Failing miserably with the mundane task you texted your friend, Jess of whom you had met at uni and did the same journalism course as you.

'SOS, going to a party with nothing good to wear!' As soon as you sent the text through the little 'read at ...' notification popped up and the bubble at the bottom left of your screen indicated that she was typing a resolution to your alarming message, Or at least you hoped that was the case.  
'I'm coming with makeup, waxing strips, m&ms and clothes ASAP!'

You chuckled to yourself as the girl, who explained she was one her way, replied to your desperate need of help so well. Trying to take your mind off of possibly seeing Tom at this party, you collected your thoughts and tidied your room a bit. If you were going to have people round you might as well make it look like you don't live in a shit hole. 

Just as you were putting the comforter neatly on the bed, the doorbell rang as you only hoped it wasn't Mrs. Richardson complaining that your post got mixed up with hers again or the fact that your bin might be in the wrong allocated spot. To your most utter delight it was in fact Jess who had a makeup look book under her right arm with a makeup artist box in the other and her older sister Lottie who had various assortments and clothing items over her left and in her hand, a shopping bag full of m&ms and waxing strips. 

"LET THE BEAUTY PROGRESS BEGIN!" They both shouted as they barged in through the front door.  
"You are going to look so hot!" You giggled at the remark as they ushered you to your room, placing the items on your dressing table and wicker hanging chair.  
"First, let's start with your legs arms and armpits." Lottie explained as she got the waxing strips out of the bag that had the word 'Superdrug' emblazoned in pink on it.  
After various hisses of pain and a bit of moisturiser later your legs, arms and even armpits were silky smooth and ready to be shown off. Lottie had picked out an outfit from the various clothing items; a red cropped strapless top with crisscross ribbon at the sides of it under the arms and a pair of black ripped skinny jeans that actually made your microscopic butt look bigger. You slipped it all on and had a look in the mirror on the door of your built-in wardrobe. You looked good to say the least.

"Thank you so much, I owe you one!" You gushed as you went over to your dressing table to start on the makeup.  
"(Y,n), what else would I be doing tonight?" Jess said as she batted the makeup brush out of your hand to imply that this was her job,  
"Probably stuffing your face with ice cream and binge watching Netflix." Lottie sniggered as Jess applied the first layer of foundation.  
"Hey, not funny!" Jess shouted back at her older sister. You all giggled at each other's remarks as Jess finished off your makeup with a stunning cat eye look and a smokey eyeshadow.  
"And we are done!"  
"Wow you look stunning (y,n)" Lottie gushed,  
"You think so?" You asked as you turned round. You hadn't been to a party in so long it almost felt foreign to you, the idea of dressing up and drinking alcohol with people that you so called your friends; only to get wasted and wake up with a throbbing headache the next day from the amount of it that you had consumed the night prior.

You all gathered your stuff as Jess and Lottie ushered you in to the passenger seat of the car. Jess sitting beside you and Lottie in the back as you made your way to Harrison's flat,  
"Alright remember what I always say-" Jess started but she didn't need to finish as you cut her off with the end of her sentence,  
"If you can't stand up then don't have sex with anyone." You said this in a monotone groaning like voice.

With that you got out of the Ford Fiesta and entered the building. Various people had their tongues down others throats in the hallway as you made your way up the four flights of stairs. Eventually you got the the door that encased Harrison Tom and many other people whom you were yet to meet. Pushing all thoughts aside about Tom, you took a deep breath and entered. The music was booming and people dancing sloppily to the beat. There were various guys shouting at others who were playing FIFA on the PS4, Haz being one of them. He caught your eye and made his way over to you with a wide-toothed grin.  
"(Y,nnnn), you made it!" He slides obviously drunk already probably due to games of beer pong that he had played with others. He went in for a hug and you reluctantly hugged him back.

"Yeah well I couldn't miss seing you, could I?"  
"No of course not. Do you want a drink, love?"  
"Um yeah that would be great actually." You smiled at his offer and then followed him in to the kitchen.

"What d'you want?" He asked taking a red solo cup from one of the multiple stacks.  
"Whiskey and coke please." You answered as your eyes landed on them after skimming over the counter top. He made the drink and then handed it to you with a warm smile.  
"Thanks."

"No problem, love" the nickname tumbled from his lips and it reminded you painfully of when Tom used to call you that.  
There were numerous shouts coming from the other room as a game of never have I ever was getting set up.

"Oi Haz, we are playing never have I ever, wanna join?"Your head snapped over to the doorframe as you heard that familiar voice of the man who broke on in to 3000 pieces. His voice faltered as he laid eyes on you and his world stopped. Everything was in slow motion as you both locked eyes from across the room. It felt like the night of the girl in the car all over again. 

Quickly, you pulled your gaze from his chocolate brown pool eyes and turned to Harrison who gave you a sympathetic smile as if to say that he was sorry, but for what you didn't know. 

"We'll be there in a second." He explained turning to face him as he said so.   
"We'll?" You asked surprised. You didn't think that you would've been invited to this so called childish game of never have I ever.   
"That's if you want to...I mean you don't have to but no one will mind."

"You sure?" You pressed on, after all you didn't want to invade on someone's game of they didn't want you at the party in the first place.   
"Yeah, it'll be a chance to get to know them a little bit more." He said again. The blue eyed boy was obviously eager to get his best friends back to talking again, or at least on the same room for a start. 

You followed him through the appartement to the living room where a small huddle of people were sat in a circular-like shape around a coffee table, each with an alcoholic beverage of sorts with them. You sit on the floor next to Haz and a girl who looked about your age called Charlie as a boy called Jacob started off the round with a simple one,  
"Never have I ever kissed someone while in a relationship that wasn't the person I was dating." Nearly everyone except Haz, Charlie and I took swig from their drinks.   
Next was Haz . "Never have I ever regretted a breakup" everyone exept Tom and Jacob took a sip, including me.

It was now your turn and you had quite the idea of what you were going to say. You locked eyes with Tom and gave him a frightful stare, then opened your mouth to speak, "Never have I ever told my best friend that I would be there for them, then leave them to go and work in America to never see them or yet alone talk to them even though they texted me on my birthday, Christmas and any other day that meant something to me, to only leave them in the dust and come back to a party, that they were at may I add, and act as if nothing had happened and we were still friends." By then everyone was staring at you as you had raised your voice to the point where you were shouting. No one drank. They all just stared at you. No one except Tom, who just looked at you with a look of complete sorrow hung in his eyes.   
He generally looked sorry.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not edited.

~If I Loved You Then, I Can Love You Now. Or are you just to stubborn to let it be shown you feel the same? I just want to hold you and I wish you knew that. I have memorised the curve of your face and the way you smell. It's the smell of coffee and comfort. A smell I wish I could wake up to in the morning again. You're no longer there waiting for me to wake up, or to hold me in a raging thunderstorm in the night. And although you are only a few buildings away from me, you feel a thousand miles away instead and it makes me feel empty inside. I refer the times we fought over stupid things like who will feed the dog and take her out the do her business, or who's turn it is to cook dinner, even though we just got take out in the end, but the funniest one was who would end up cleaning the toilet when we had a cleaning day after a party that we had. I miss it, and you. Please just remember that I'll always love you. I want you back. ~  
(Message delivered )  
(read at 1:32pm with no reply)

The cool air of the busy London streets invited you as you took a step out of the crowded building to the various roads that were littered with cars of all shapes, sizes and colours. You heard the door open behind you as you took another refreshing breath in, looking at the shadows caused by the dim yellow light of the street lamps as they sunk through the pavement making a mesh of darkness in their wake. You didn't take your eyes off the floor as the person who slid out of the door made their way next to you. You didn't need to look at them to know who it was.

"I've always loved the night time in London." He said. You could tell it was his voice from the pitch. You could recognise it anywhere, how it was so soft yet gruff at the same time.  
"Any why is that?" You asked quietly, not wanting to disturb the silence any more than it had been. You were on the edge of a cliff that had an emotional spiral waiting at the bottom for you to fall in to. You were teetering on the edge and he was playing with your emotions like a baby plays with its toys.

He knows what he was doing, and it pained him even more to see you like this. But he couldn't tell you why he did what he did, because if he did then he would loose you forever. That was worse than being just your friend, even if he wanted to be labelled as more than that  
"It reminds me of you and how we used to sit on the fire escape," he smiled fondly at the memories of you and him. Oh how he missed hearing your laugh as you two danced in the rain or heat to nothing but the same playlist and a setting sun every time. "every Friday night, without fail, and just talk about the most random shit ever but still not care about it." A small smile was woven on to your face as you recounted the memories of every Friday night in the past years since you got your small flat at the age of 18.

Looking up but not directly at Tom, you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding in and watched as the condensation that you created floated in to the air and evaporated out of sight, a bit like Tom did in the three years prior.

"Look (y,n), I'm sorry. I never knew that I hurt you like that, but if I tell you the reason why I did it then you'll never look at me the same way again. Ever. I don't want that or for us to change due to that." He had pity laced delicately in to his tone and also a sense of guilt that seemed to creep through.  
"Tom your an asshole, you know that, don't you? You don't deserve for me to be talking to you at this moment in time. I can't trust people because of what you did to me. I'm constantly scared of getting close to people because of what might happen. It wrecked my trust so badly and all I want to do is to leap in to your arms and for you to tell me that everything will be fine, but I know that it never will be fine because I was left for dust like a worn out pair of trainers. Sure I miss you, a lot, but I don't know how it will work out. So the fact that you can't tell me is utter bullshit, because I know that you can, you are just choosing not to and that is precisely why I'm so done with your shit!" A tear slipped down your pink cheek as you wrapped the dark fabric of your coat around you even tighter, in a sorry attempt to try and protect yourself almost.  
"You don't understand-"  
"What do you mean I don't understand Tom!? Of course I don't, otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation and I would've gone with you to America, and you would've never made the decision to date Zendaya. Or to not text or Skype me. Just tell me why you did it because I honestly have no idea what I did to deserve this." you turned to face him and looked him dead in the eye. You hard stare never faltering.

"Because I'm dying (y,n). There are you happy now? I'm dying and I don't want you to fall in love with a dead man walking. I care too much for you to go through what everyone else is. I wish I could've been there with you to tell you this earlier but I love you too much to hurt you like that. You don't deserve me (y,n)." He finally choked it out. He had finally told you the reason why he had not responded or even made polite conversation. Your stomach dropped to the rough pavement and your heart felt like it had just jumped out of your mouth and started to run in circles around your head.  
"What do you mean your dying, Tom?" The shock was evident in your voice as you listened to the unbelievable sentence that left his perfect lips. Your voice was barely just above a whisper, scared that at the smallest words he'll crumble right there in front of you and disappear into the winds, to never be seen again.

"I've got meningioma." He explained, "It's... it's a type of brain tumour that develops at the top of the spinal chord, just under the skull I could lose my memory and all movement in my body so I wanted to do everything I could in the few years that I could do shit on my own without the help from others." His voice faltered at his last sentence. A tight knot formed in your stomach.

"And how.....how long do you have left?" You knew that it was a touchy subject but you needed to know. A pain was embedding itself in to your chest and you knew it was the pain of your heart breaking in two.  
"Two years" he said reluctantly, looking down at the ground as he did so.

"Tom, I- I had no idea," you pulled him closer but the collar of his coat and held him to you tightly, "but I wouldn't care if you had two years or two minutes left to live. I'm too busy thinking about making you happy to even think about that right now as I love you and I want you." You looked up at him and his chocolate brown eyes that drowned out all of the stars in the sky with their pure beauty.

"But what about not trusting me?" He asked. He knew that what you said was true but to what extent he Hadley to find out.  
"Forget it, it's not true. I do trust you and I know that I'm going to make the next two years of your life, the best two years of your life."  
Your noses were only mere centimetres appart. Tom looked right at you with pure adoration and love, he knew that you were the one for him and nothing could change that. He inched closer to you closing the microscopic distance between you both. Your lips brushed against each other in an act of pure bliss. Little waves of electricity flew through ever fibre of your being and you couldn't get enough of it.  
You pulled away gently and gasped for air. Your foreheads were met together as you cradled each other in your arms.  
"So... do you still love me, (Y,n)?" He asked, eyes still closed.  
"Tom if I loved you then...I can love you now." You whispered under your breath. Every word of it was true and he knew it. Even if he was dying, his love for you never could.


End file.
